Top 10 Thirstiest Text Messages

There’s nothing worse than when you are going about your day, minding your own business, when all of a sudden BAM! you get a dick pic in your inbox. Now that guys are slowly learning that unsolicited dick pics are bad, they’ve developed a not-so-sly arsenal of slimy text messages to try to get in your pants. These texts are totally fine if you are dating and/or interested in someone, but from random dudes you just met on Tinder it is so gross. If you are a single girl with a phone, you’ve definitely gotten a few of these thirsty texts before!

#1. “Come cuddle”

Boy, everyone knows that you don’t want to “cuddle”—you are very transparently attempting to get me in bed with you. Attempting to cuddle with this guy would 100% lead to him grinding his erection on your butt while spooning. HARD PASS.

#2. “I’ve had a hard day, I need a hug from you to make it better”
I would bet you $50.00 that the only thing “hard” about this guy’s day, is his wiener.  Appealing to a girl’s empathetic side in order to get her to come over is a slimeball move.

#3. “You up?”
This one is a pure classic. The most low-effort invitation to have mediocre sex followed by a walk of shame home (because this type of guy does not allow sleepovers). This one comes up in droves when you’re swiping through tinder at 2am on a Saturday night.

#4. “Just lying in bed—you should join me”
This is what you inevitably get when he asks you what’s up, and you say “Nothing much, you?”. Weirdly, creepy guys are always just chilling in their bed.

#5. “Watch a movie with me”
It’s 2018, we all know what Netflix and Chill is.  This guy knows exactly what he is asking for, and it’s not a movie night.

#6. “It’s been so cold lately… I should come keep you warm”
You’re just trying to casually chitchat about the weather, and somehow thirsty guys will turn it into an excuse to invite themselves over for sex. Pro Tip: Guys can turn any topic of conversation into a reason to sleep with you.

 

#7. “I really like that picture you posted [of yourself in a bikini at the beach], do you have any more?”
Whenever I post a picture on facebook or Instagram that has a little cleavage or a bathing suit or whatever, my DMs are suddenly inundated with messages from dudes I never talk to compliment the picture and asking for “more pics”. Like, as if I’m going to say “wow, you liked my beach picture? Let me send you some nudes”. Note to men: This method has never worked in the history of the internet.

#8. “I’ll come over when you’re done”
No matter what excuse you give to a guy as to why you can’t see him tonight (finishing a paper, comforting a friend, baking 1000 cupcakes for a fundraiser, etc.) he will always tell you he’ll still be up and ready to go when you’re finished—as if you’ll want to hang out (a.k.a. fuck) at 2am when you’ve been busy all night.  Also, this same dude is never this available to girls he’s actually in a relationship with. His availability is entirely dependent on how likely he thinks sex is.

#9. “I’m lonely”
If you’re so lonely, you should go hang out with people who know and care about you (friends? family?) or adopt a puppy. If you’re “loneliness”  can only be cured by random women coming over to have sex with you, then you’re not lonely—you’re horny.

#10. “You’ll have to be free eventually”
When a guy you have mutual friends with is aggressively hitting on you and you try to let him down gently by telling him you’re constantly too busy to hang out with him, he’ll probably pull out this gem. To anyone who feels inclined to text this to somebody: They are trying to swerve you, let it go and move on.

Good luck out there, everyone!

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